www.confusion.hk

Like a thief in the night

6/24/2019

Do you ever have one of those days, or weeks, or months, where everything seems to not make sense and suddenly its an epiphany tsunami hitting you at all sorts of odd moments?

It could just be cortisol levels being through the roof as I implement changes and try to take our business to the next level, but a good sleep has been hard to come by, a quiet day is no longer in my vocabulary, and so it shouldn't be, because quiet days are not necessarily a blessing in FnB! :)

We avoid using the "Q" word, as we call it. As soon as we say, "Dang, its quiet" we get slammed. Every time! Its a good thing, sometimes a team member will purposely say it, just to bring the masses in.

Anyway, on to a more purposeful topic...

Well, I can't be the first, or the last person on earth who has wanted to free herself off the shackles of social media. For a few years now I have toyed with the idea of completely taking myself off Facebook, but it seemed like an alien idea because it seemed to be everyone with an internet connection had an opinion on how its so important for business, or for keeping in touch with family, or for peeking in on the lives of former schoolmates who no longer even look like people you remember.

First I couldn't delete it because I was too busy wanting to share everything I was doing, almost to the point that someone might want a refund on the time they wasted reading my post. Then I dialed it down, to sharing every burp and milestone of my kids after they were born, hell, most of my friends or family were introduced to my younger two within the first minutes after their birth, thanks to Facebook.

Then came my business ventures, what we call "Entrepreneurship", one thing or another, selling, buying, being contactable, being visible, having a "presence" on the internet that somehow made it all official.

If you think about it, in this day and age, being "present" on the internet has actually made many people "not present" in their lives. And I am not saying this while wildly pointing a finger outwards, I am looking within too.

It hasn't been until the most recent few days, when I started to notice what I could only term as a "cyberattack" of the stealth-mode kind...where suddenly, at odd times of the day, like 1:45am, some random fake someone on Facebook would be noted as saying "Doesn't recommend" our company, that I sat up and took notice. At first I thought, fair enough, I am sure he might not have had a good experience, maybe he popped by and we were closed for lunch break at 4pm, who knows. But then it was at 1:45am that the person posted, so I did some digging...and this person, upon searching for the name on every possible platform, for all intents and purposes, didn't exist.

This one single "Non-recommendation" dropped our beautiful star rating from 4.7 to 4.5, in just ONE single click.

I thought, ok, weird, no comment left, no nothing. I sent the person a private message to ask, well, so sorry you had a bad experience, could you care to elaborate and give feedback so we can make amends or at least work on it internally to fix the issue.

No response.

The next day, another one, and again, this time, no images, no details on their profile, not even a "date joined", nothing. Fake profile. Another non-recommendation, and now we moved down to 4.3 stars.

I clicked on it, I sent a message to "Facebook" (whatever the hell that means!) and the anxiety began to build. Within 10 mins of this incident, and me telling the team, wondering what on earth was going on, another ping came in, another "non-recommendation" and an instant drop to 4.2 stars.

Now, this ain't no Black Mirror episode, but it sure felt awful. We have worked hard to get to a place where people took time to recommend us, 5 stars, all that stuff, and here I was, sitting in front of a computer, staring at our numbers dropping, thanks to fake profiles simply hitting one button, with very little control or recourse over the whole thing. One of our team mates said all matter of fact, "Ah, yeah, its called Black Hat Tactics" well, let me tell you, its the first time I have heard of this...

But now that I know, I can't unknow it. To think that someone, anyone, a business or individual, would actually maliciously do something like this, for whatever gain, its kinda insane, if you ask me. Unnerving. Like someone sneaking into your house, while you sleep, and stealing your hard earned good will! Lol.

If you want to know more about that, look here and have a read:

https://www.powertobefound.com/black-hat-social-media-will-kill-business/

Anyway, you see? I really am not into this kind of thing. So after years of toying with the idea of dropping Facebook, and for all the years of technically not understanding SEO (Search Engine Optimization) despite taking a course on it when I had my last business...I am right back to this decision of taking my page, and my own profile, off Facebook.

Ok, its not entirely true though, I did take a course, I did understand that SEO basically doesn't actually have to do with you being the best, it has to do with you using key words, knowing how to trick the algorhithm
and somehow even if you are at the top of the list maybe you aren't really meant to be at the top of the list.

Either way, I remember learning that and being kind of outraged. It seemed like a lie, or wait, not seemed like, it was. It is.

People pay to be listed at the top!

Isn't that insane?

Its not real, none of it is.

When we opened our shop, we didn't spend a dime on advertising. We didn't pay for marketing consultants. We didn't hire a social media guru, and trust me, a lot of them came knocking on our door.

Money was tight, we didn't have any to burn, although technically, I think we burned a lot on stuff I now think may have been better utilized on more useful things like window cleaner fluid. And by that, I mean, we made posters saying "Confusion Plant Based Kitchen - coming soon" as if anyone actually knew who the hell we were, as a shop, as a concept or even as a brand! Well, you live and you learn! :)

I have always wanted us to grow "Organically" without slogans, without buzzwords, without flashing people, you know, that sort of thing. People know, you go plant-based because it has an impact on the environment, on your health, on your bank balance, and on your carbon footprint. At least, I assume people know, and if they don't, there are a lot of other businesses who can educate them on it, paying top dollar to do so, while we continue to do what we do.

It is, and always has been, about the food.

Its not about looking good or not looking bad, it still did not sit well with me that we had no recourse other than to contact some form of AI to fight an obvious attack by AI of another kind, and I ain't in any way suggesting I felt like Sarah Connor suiting up for battle against SkyNet...but maybe I got a bit creeped out and decided enough is enough, and I pulled the plug. And I would be lying if I said I hadn't already been thinking, actually, wishing, to pull the plug for a long time.

So we are no longer on Facebook.

I, as an individual, am no longer on Facebook. And it feels awesome.

Don't get me wrong, many of the photos of my kids, the videos of their first steps or their first words, are stored on Facebook. I mean, I don't have them anywhere else. So I hope my husband has some saved, because once your MacBook dies, you forget, once your iPhone gets traded in for another, you say, "Pshhh, clean it!"

Life was so much easier in Analog.

I know, I am showing my age.

I miss not being able to erase memories with a click.

I miss my old wind up and click Minolta camera that took the most awesome photos on film.

I miss sharing my music with a friend with a DiscMan that made each of us deaf in only one ear.

I miss caring about making it to the movie theater when a new movie was released.

I miss skating rinks and skinny dipping in closed swimming pools.

Ok, so there are a lot of things I do miss, but I already experienced all those things...but Facebook, I won't miss. For people who cared enough to know me as a friend, they likely already have my number. But for everyone else, its pretty likely they were touristing on my life, or I was touristing on theirs, Facebook is the perfect Voyeurs window to the world.

Oh sure, I have Instagram, but even there, my own personal profile, I deleted and pared down to almost nothing a few months back. It took me an entire month to painstakingly delete, one image at a time, almost 1800+ images I had amassed over a few years. They don't make it easy, let me tell you.

And the company Instagram will remain, because I love photography. And just as with Facebook and this website, I am the one who created the content, I man that like a loner in a lighthouse, and I will do my best not to fall asleep at the wheel.

Only a few interests have stuck with me through the years. My love of writing, my love of photography and my love of food.

These are the passions I hope to hold on to, to nurture, to give room to grow, in the coming year.

I hope to take you with me on that journey. And hey, now that I don't have time to kill on Facebook anymore, maybe I actually will be more productive in all those areas while possibly getting a solid nights sleep from time to time!

Until the next time, peace!

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To wake a sleeping dragon

6/12/2019

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We finally hit the one year mark on the 15th of May. Well, officially it was more like the 22nd of May because we opened our doors on the 15th of May 2018 not knowing what the hell we were doing, wholly unsure what to expect, and truly scared half to death of the "how to" and the "what to" of it all. When we opened on the 15th we had so much food and no one to eat it...we each had to take a lot of food home so as not to waste it. Its also how we came up with "tofu fries" because we had so much tofu we didn't know what to do with it!

Funny how a year can make all the difference.

Six months ago, I was curled up in a ball, crying my bleeding heart out, truly scared at the crazy task I had taken on. I think at the six month mark I realized, oh man, all this is on me. These guys, the team, they are depending on me for leadership, for everything from as simple as "we need more take away boxes" to "thank you for my paycheck".

I felt like...well, I felt like I was drinking water from a fire hydrant!

I felt like one of those crazy Japanese people who ride a giant tree trunk down a muddy hill for that Shinto festival (you gotto look that up!) in nothing but a kimono! I mean, there are bodies flying everywhere and the last man still on the darn thing is somehow blessed!

I truly felt like, "Oh man, this won't end, will it! I am IN it now, I have to see it through to the end!"

I was so full of ideals and optimism when I started, I just didn't realize the toll it would take on my body, my sanity, my family.

It was at about this point, exhausted, crying, having panic attacks, that I reached out to others who knew better.

The best advise I got was this:

"You need to take time to care for yourself, because in this profession, all you do is give, you give to your team, you give to strangers, you give to loyal customers who become friends, and if you don't take time to replenish your reserves of energy, your well will run dry, you will break down."

And then came the advise from my Doc, "Stop with the Jiu Jitsu, your body is in Fight or Flight mode as it is, take up yoga, meditate, slow down, work less..."

Blah, blah, blah...well, I stopped Jiu Jitsu, to lower my "fight or flight" response and my cortisol levels, I started meditating, I downloaded two super expensive apps, CALM and WAKING UP...you know, to help me get mindful! I moved house, well, WE moved house, so I could be so close to work I could practically smell the food...and initially that seemed like a good but bad idea, because I ended up going into work even earlier and leaving even later, but at some point I had to force myself to slow down, to take time for myself...more on that later, I guess. I even signed up for a yoga membership...I have gone six times since December...Its June now...so yeah, its just across the street, too! What can I say, it gets busy.

Work less...

Now, that one, I simply haven't been able to figure out. I reckon I find a way to take a break more, but the hours are still just as long. What has happened in the last six months though, since my borderline nervous breakdown, is that I have learned to look within, I have made time for my family, even if its only on weekends or mid afternoon. I bought a fitbit to track how active I am during the day, and let me tell you, I did 22,000 steps yesterday and 36 flights of stairs...its no wonder I can't gain any weight despite sometimes eating utter rubbish.

Yes, I also take care of what I eat a lot better than I did 6 months ago. I was eating Dal and rice daily for almost 6 months, not taking time to eat much else unless it was chocolate. You know how it can be, you spend all your time cooking for people, you smell food all the time, that whole process of hunger and emotional experience that comes from food, it kinda gets eroded. You love to see food, you love to plate food, you love to cook food, you love to serve food, you love to watch people eat food, oh, that last bit, I love it! Lol. But...somehow, when its time for you to eat, its 4pm...and your fellow chef says, "So? what shall we eat?" and all you can think is..."I dunno, man! I don't know!"

Surrounded by food and you simply aren't clued in what you want to eat. You are physically hungry, but just...blank.

Anyway, what I am saying is, in my trying to work on eating right, I have also pushed the team to consider what they eat...we were all in the same boat afterall. So we do alright, I think. We are a solid little band of minions. I would never have expected that the plan I had, the dream I dreamed, would be a success. I love each and every one of them, fiercely. Even the ones I have had let go, often I sit awake at night and wonder how they are and wish that they are well.

Majority of the team has been with me from the start, it kinda makes me tear up to think that they are the people I see more than I do my own family. Its a strange thing when you come to accept that about "WORK". You know? You see those people more than your family, so you better make sure you are in the right place. You don't want to work for an asshole, so don't be one. At least, that is what I tell myself. I've worked for my fair share of psychopaths, and I always believed that in order to become a CEO, you got to be a psychopath, but then now here I am, when my business partner and I sad down to allocate titles, he said, "Ok, you be the CEO!" and I was like, waaaaaaaait a minute.....

I am pretty sure he took the title that gave him greater control in the end, we laugh, coz technically none of it means a darn thing, maybe, hmmm, personally I just want to create, I want to cook, I want to be around food, I want to see people eat the food I cook. That is as simple as it gets.

I love what I do.

I have learned the why of what I do. I have learned more with each passing day, of what I am capable of and how hard I am willing to push myself.

I love my team, I love so many of our customers, they give me so much in return for what I feel is just a drop in the ocean of positivity...

I have learned to appreciate my family more now than I could have ever done before.

My husband, that man, what a wonderful human being he is. He works so damn hard and is more present in the kids lives than I am, I could not do this without his support, his friendship, his love and his presence in my life.

There I go getting teary eyed again.

So much, so, so much to be grateful for.

This was the biggest part of my turnaround from near breakdown.

Gratitude.

Practicing meditation and learning a Grateful Attitude.

It made the difference in my cortisol levels, it made the difference in how I viewed myself, it made a difference in my anger management, it made a difference in how I approached each day, it made a difference in every interaction and relationship I had, and it made a difference in how I view the business and the long haul.

I am grateful for everything I have now, this shop, Confusion...all of it, has taught me this.

My team, my customers, many of them now my friends, my beautiful husband, my kids who have learned to read in the last year without my help....my kids who can speak to me of how they miss me but also how they understand what I am doing and the why...I am grateful for my parents for instilling in me this urgent need to succeed and to make a difference in peoples lives. I am grateful for the suppliers I work with, each of them so hardworking too, and willing to respond to messages at ungodly hours...

Thank you, one and all, for teaching me why I am here, teaching me how I aspire to greater heights of creativity, teaching me that money isn't the be all and end all, its about the people in your life that matter...and thank you for waking this sleeping dragon.

Until the next time I decide to ramble...Mahalo!

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Thinking out loud

Like a thief in the night

To wake a sleeping dragon

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